The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
