I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize