Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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