Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize