I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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