could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
