I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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