I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
