i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
