Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
