i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
