Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
