just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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