last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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