Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You pole danced in your parka.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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