a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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