we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
