apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
