if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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