He kissed a someone with a penis
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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