i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
