Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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