It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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