I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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