I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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