I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
