Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
