after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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