i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
