What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
