My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize