Dual....:-)
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
