fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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