My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
