Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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