I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
