My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
