there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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