i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
