watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
