So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
