this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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