the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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