I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
