The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
