i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
