then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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