Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
