the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
