I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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