"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
