Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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