My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
