Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
so much tequila, so little girl.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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