Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
