You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
