Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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