wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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