Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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