i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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