Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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