As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
