Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
