FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
