1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
