i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
