i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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