remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
