I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
