My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
