Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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