Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
